How to Deal With Freenemies

Would you even know if you had frenemies? They're the people in your life who purport to be a friend but do some oddly enemy-like things to you on more than an occasional basis, and in a way that seems pretty predetermined to unsettle you. Spotting them and dealing with them is vital to preserve your own sanity and to know when to ditch the friend who pushes things just a bit too far.


1. Spot the frenemy in your life. Before you can deal with a frenemy, you need to know you're friends with one. Some indicators might include:

*They are never able to enjoy your good fortune. If something good happens to you, their bottom lip curls into a sneer and they just have to say something derogatory, undermining and barbed.

*They're a master at the art of backhanded compliments, those compliments which sound okay on the surface but actually can be taken another way to mean something less than flattering (for example, they may say something like, "I like it when you wash your hair, that's when it's pretty," because this is suggesting that you are ugly without your hair washed.) And they seem to use this "art" on you a lot.

*They gossip about you. When it gets back to you and you raise it with them, they deny knowing anything about it or lie through their teeth and say that someone misinterpreted what they meant.


2. Listen to your own instincts. How does being with this person leave you feeling? Are you uplifted in their presence or do they always manage to take the wind out of your sails and leave you feeling down and unsupported? If you find that whenever you're down and miserable, they're around a lot more than when you're upbeat and in control, this is an indicator that you're with a person who soaks up misery and sees someone down on their luck as a target for control and manipulation. Moreover, if after spending time with them, you're left feeling sapped and bad about yourself, then you're not with a good friend – good friends make you feel good about yourself. Take note of anything like the following and be wary:

*Whenever you try to improve yourself, such as by losing weight, studying harder, going for a promotion, etc., they do their best to sabotage the efforts. Indeed, they may even encourage you to do things that will harm your progress, such as badmouth the boss or eat sweets on the weekend. Frenemies tend to bring out the worst in a person because the relationship is a bad fit.

*They never have your best interests at heart and you know it. In fact, you feel that every time you want to talk about something with them that they're likely to get really argumentative, roll their eyes, make unkind remarks or simply be negative about everything you're trying to do.

*You asked this person to support you on something weeks ago but when the time comes, they have a truly lame excuse for wriggling out of the promise. And they do it time and again to you.


3. Make changes. If you're not sure whether or not this person is a frenemy, talk over your concerns with a friend you're absolutely sure about and don't feel unhappy around. This person may throw new perspective onto the situation, perspective that helps you to realize the value of your relationship with the frenemy. Obviously, be certain you're talking to someone whom you can trust and isn't likely to pass this back to the frenemy. A frenemy who suspects you're onto them through talking to other people (and thereby warning others) can be a very unpleasant person to be around.



4. Talk to the frenemy outright. Instead of skulking around and carrying this burden on your shoulders, come out and express your concerns to this person. Avoid acting vulnerable or distressed; simply stick to the facts and express how certain things that have happened make you feel.

For example:
"I felt really put down when you suggested my costume was too tight for me in front of our dance class. Did you really mean to be so unkind?"

"I consider you to be a friend. As such, it really hurt me yesterday when you said I was too ditzy and easily distracted to be a good speechwriter in our group talk. I know you think you said it in a joking and funny way but as I am a bit vague at times, it really struck me as a bizarre way to make a joke, as I felt it came at my expense."

"I feel really disappointed when you say things that say one thing but mean another, such as telling me the jeans I bought were great... for the price I paid, as if you were intimating that I had bought cheap jeans that didn't really look so nice. Why is it so hard for you to be friendly and frank with me instead of mocking all the time?"

5. Expect your frenemy to be surprised or in denial. Being forthright about your feelings is basically calling out the frenemy and forcing them to either own up to their subterfuge or deny it. It could go either way and even if they deny it, they may not stop the behavior and just keep on doing what they've been doing to hurt you. Or, they may become angry with you and refuse to discuss it, in which case you're getting a very clear indication that it's probably time to let go of this so-called friendship.

*Remember that if they blow a fuse, that you're not much into them by this stage anyway. At least the truth is out in the open and allows you to begin focusing more on other relationships in your life.


6. Be realistic about the chances of staying friends with the frenemy. While it is important to be compassionate and realize that your frenemy may have gotten into a pattern of difficult interactions with others and see themselves as clever, witty or superior, it's equally important to look after yourself. If the frenemy can only ever interact like this, you're never going to feel safe, supported or happy around them.



7. Look to thyself. Is it possible that you have some of the traits of a frenemy too? Hanging around people who use wit and words to denigrate others can soon rub off, especially if there is an attempt to be part of the popular group or the alpha. Be honest with your self-assessment and own up to yourself if you've been carrying on frenemy-like behaviors and attitude with your friends. And put a stop to it.


8. Make the break. Once you realize that you are dealing with a frenemy and you've asked for reasons but there is no likelihood of change in your frenemy's behavior and attitude, then withdraw yourself from the failed friendship. Remind yourself that it isn't a friendship you're ending but a round of toxic interactions and that both of you will be better off for being apart and for going your own ways. Above all, remain polite and nice toward them in a distant way. There is no need to rub salt into the wound.


~ Taken from How to Deal With Freenemies


......... I never thought I had freenemies but this blog really made me aware, that for some reason when I spend time with my so-called-friends I felt unhappy about myself (feelings of being old, fat, etc).  and for some reason whenever I am in misery they never fail to made me feel worst than ever. This really helped me understand those feelings and be aware of dealing with certain friends. Nevertheless, I have forgiven them and I will never stop to be their friend. But, this time I'll be much careful so that they will never hurt me again......

A True Test of Love

Lt. John Blanchard was in New York City at Grand Central Station, and he looked up at the big clock. It said five till six. His heart was racing. At exactly 6 o’clock he was going to meet a girl whom he thought he was in love with, but had never met. This is what had happened. He had been in Florida for pilot training during World War II, and while he was there he happened to go to a library and check out a book. As he flipped through the pages, he noticed that someone had made notes in the margins. Reading the insightful observations in beautiful handwriting, he said to himself, “I would love to meet whoever wrote these notes – they seem so kind, gentle and wise.”
He looked in the front of the book and saw a name, Harlyss Maynell, New York City. He decided to try to find her. With the help of a New York City phone book, he found her address and wrote her a letter. The day after he wrote her, he was shipped back overseas to fight in the war.
Surprisingly, Harlyss answered John’s letter. They soon began to correspond back and forth throughout the war. “Her letters were just like the marvelous notes she had written in that book.” John recalled. “She was so comforting and so helping.”
One time John had confessed in a letter that he had been scared to death when they flew over Germany. Harlyss had encouraged him, “All brave men are afraid at times. Next time you are afraid, just say ‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.’”
As they continued to write, John began to realize that he was having romantic feelings toward Harlyss. He wrote, “Send me a picture,” and she replied, “No, I won’t. Relationships are not built on what people look like.”
Still, he was intrigued by her and longed to meet her in person. Finally, the day came when he was to return to the States on leave. He mentioned in one of his letter that he was coming home and would like to take her to a dinner. She had arranged to meet him in New York City’s Grand Central Station at six P.M. under the big clock. “You’ll know who I am because I’ll be wearing a red rose,” she told him.

At last the day had come. John waited nervously to finally meet the girl he thought he loved. Here is how John described his first meeting with Harlyss Maynell:
“A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. She had blonde hair that lay back in curls from her delicate ears. Her eyes were as blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in a pale green suit she looked like spring-time come alive!”
Excitedly, I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a red rose. As I moved her way, she noticed me. A small provocative smile curled he lips.
“Going my way, soldier?” she asked coyly. I took another step closer to her. It was then that I saw… Harlyss Maynell with the red rose in her coat, directly behind the girl in green. My heart sank. She was a woman well past forty. She was plump. She had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. Her thick ankles were thrust into low shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I had to make a choice. Should I follow after the beauty who had just spoken to me? Or stay and face poor Harlyss Maynell?
I made my decision and I did not hesitate. Turning toward the woman, I smiled. Even as I began to speak, I felt choked by bitter disappointment. “You must be Miss Maynell,” I said, extending my hand. “I’m so glad you could meet me. Will you join me for a dinner?”
The older woman’s face then broadened into a smile. “I don’t know what this is all about, son,” she replied, “but you know that young woman in the green suit who just went by? I met her on the train. She begged me to wear this rose in my coat. She said that if you should ask me for a dinner, to tell you she’s waiting for you in that big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of a test.”

The moral of the story is this: GIRLS, if you will learn to wait patiently and confidently for God to bring a Christlike man into your life, you will not be disappointed. And GUYS, learn to treat women like the PERFECT GENTLEMAN, Jesus Christ. If you do, you will not only be promoted out of “jerk-hood” but you will then be worthy of a beautiful princess of purity who is saving herself just for you.


~ Excerpt from the Book, When God Writes Your Love Story. Author; Eric and Leslie Ludy